her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
