I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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