six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
