I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had to cum in my sink.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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