did you get engaged???
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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