just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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