He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
