the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
