In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.