My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.