Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.