There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
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i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
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Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...