while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
