Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
