You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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