he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
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we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
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It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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