I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
