Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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