I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
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You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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