I think my vagina is haunted
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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