someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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