she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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