fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
