He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
