in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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