I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
