I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
