My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
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I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
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I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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