thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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