Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
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I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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