So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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