Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
