Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Im part way to drunk.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
