why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
