you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
