drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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