No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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