my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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