i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
