he puts the penis in happiness.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Randomize
