I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize