Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
