My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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