i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
