just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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