You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
