it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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