i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
