FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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