I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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