you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
