But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
