Someone shit on the floor
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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