OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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