the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
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THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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