What did we do last night that was yellow?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
